Emma Roberts

What the...oh god.

Can somebody please explain to my why Emma Roberts was even invited to this in the first place?!?! No, go back even further- why is she even famous anymore? What has she done lately?! I don’t even want to look at this. That bright blue satin mess in the background is a lot more pleasing to look at than this. THIS fire-engine red, complete with the same fabric fire men’s coats are made out of and probably fire-tolerant too fiasco is just bad. And those little circles are all probably secret little disks that when thrown, knock down your worst enemy. Those have to be true, because those are the only reasons I can think of why she would wear this.

Emmy Rossum

Ignoring Monsieur Creeper-pants in the background,

Emmy Rossum, you’re here? Why are you even here?! What have you done lately, besides Dragon Ball Z which no one has even gone out to see? And why are you out looking so pretty but completely covered? Why did you choose such a boring color like grey? Why is your face so pretty? Why does it look like the bottom of your dress is one of those big wiping machines you see in car washes? Why are you so pretty? Why? Why?! WHY?!

Thakoon and Friend

Don’t you just love it when you see models out and about it real life and off the runway and out of magazines, and yet they still try to pose as if Pierre the hot French gay camera man is calling ‘Make love to ze camera! Oui, oui, zat’s it, dah-link. Juste like zat,’ when in reality they look dizzy and confused and like they’re gonna hurl?
And don’t you just love how short Thakoon is compared to her?

Tyra Banks

Lions and tigers and Tyra Banks, oh my!

Believe it or not, I don’t even care about the dress. That hair. I actually thought it was a hat at first. It’s like, a giant cross-mixture between a caterpillar and a weasel laying dormant on her head, just waiting for the first insult of the night to pounce. I bet that’s what it’s for. It’s to make sure she gets on every best-dressed list in town. Well, not on my watch honey; not on my watch.

Hillary Swank

Uh huh. Hillary Swank. How…I wanna say charming. Yet, I’m not entirely convinced. Pros: it’s a nice color. It’s not boring. And it isn’t unflattering for her body shape. Cons: it’s kinda weird. I can’t tell if that’s a rosette or dying intestine. Her hair bothers me. Reviewing the pros and cons, I think I’ll go with the cons, only because dying intestines beat out nice colors any day.

Rachel Weisz

Oh no.


Oh no. NOOOOOO. WHYYYY?!?! OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD, OR…AT THIS PARTY…WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE RACHEL WEISZ, THE OTHER GEORGE CLOONEY TO ME?!?!?! *Sniff, sniff. And the award *tear* for worst make-up of the night *blow noisily into handkerchief* goes to…Rachel Weisz *sob very loudly and violently until body looks as if it’s going into seizures and someone has to come over and secure me down with a straight jacket, where I then stomp and scream like a little girl ‘Why, why why?!?!?’

Olsen Twins

To sack, or not to sack…that is the question. Unfortunately for us, it wasn’t Hamlet making this speech, but rather…well, actually it wasn’t Ashley Olsen either. It was just me pretending to be her conscious. Okay, moving on from the details, I wonder if that’s what she was thinking while she was picking this. She should know that with a petite frame such as hers, this would definitely NOT do wonders for her. As cool as the back jewel is, I’m not going to consider this in the low-back race just because I only think it’s that low because she bought it 100 sizes too big. But, since I don’t want to be negative Nancy over here, I will admit her hair and make-up is fine. Now, moving onto the other twin:

Umm. Let’s just not and say I did, okay?

Marion Cotillard

OH MY JEEEEEESERZ MARION COTILLARD I LOOOOOOVE YOU SO MUCH. Is she not the best thing ever to grace the screen since Kate Winslet? Tell me she’s not. Tell me she’s not, so then I won’t have to swoon every time I see her. She is like, my George Clooney. She’s just too perfect. AND she looks gorgeous (as usual). AND she’s with John Galliano, who ranks as second to my fave-crazy-designers of all time (first would still have to go to Lagerfeld). AND YOUR BOOBS LOOK SO NICE. THANK YOU.

Kanye...and Friend

So I guess it's cute they shaved their heads together to match:


Aw…www? It’s nothing compared to what Kruger’s boy toy did for her eye surgery, but I guess this is still cute. Ish. Kanye looks fine and dandy, but his girlfriend is really having me worry that her boobs are close to exploding like Mt. Vesuvius at any second. I’m pretty sure I can already see her left areola just waiting to burst free like a hot water pipe.

Kirsten Dunst

Well. Um. Hiya…Kirsten. Long time, no see. Eye contact, eye contact. What? No, I didn’t say anything. I hope her sparkles and feathers don’t come to life and attack me. Huh? No, I don’t hear anything. Nope. Not a thing. What do I think of your dress? Well, quite honestly…it’s a…um…
ALRIGHT I CONFESS. IT LOOKS LIKE IT CAME FROM A DRAG QUEEN SHOW OF ANASTASIA COMPLETE WITH RUSSIA’S NATIONAL BIRD SEWED INTO YOUR SHOULDRES AND LIKE IT GOT ELECTROCUTED BY LIGHTNING AND IT’S HAVING A FOURTH OF JULY PARTY ON YOUR SKIRT AND I CAN’T SEE YOUR EYEBROWS.
What? Who said that? Honestly, some people just can’t shut their mouths.

Blake Lively

And then came a girl named Serena. While B is off looking kookoo and insane and totally awesome, S is off looking…well, kinda like an old cougar who’s taking her last shot at romance. It’s just too…showy. I’m a little afraid that the skirt is going to ride up or open up while she’s sitting and put the crotch-watch on alert. This is almost Lisa Rinna bad. The boobage, I don’t mind. I think everyone could use some good boobage now and then. Sure wish I could. Moving on. Her hair is also just a little severe. Pull back any tighter, and her roots will be torn out.

Do I think this could've been a GRReeeat look? Yes, I do. If she had lowered the hemline (and my blood pressure), gotten rid of that random sleeve, and loosened the painful-looking hair, I'm sure this would've gotten along just fine. But she didn't. And so it doesn't.

Leighton Meester

WOW, this girl sure can surprise. I didn’t even recognize her at first. I thought for sure it was Katy Perry, but then I realized: since when did Kay Pay have blonde curly hair? Nope, it’s Leighton alright, looking veeeeeery different from Blair Bear. So I know I should be screaming and having a fit of how ugly and crazy and clashing this is and threaten to throw the towel in and kapeto, finite, blah blah blah. Yet somehow (even though she’s wearing the same shoes as Beckham), I can’t help but want to give her snaps for taking this chance. It’s crazy, I know, but I admire her for risking it. I mean really, there aren’t that many people who would try (and the people who would look crazy all the time, unlike Leighton who only looks crazy most of the time). So yes; I like this. Call me crazy, zainy, insane, I’m sticking with it.

Gisele Bundchen

THANK GOD Gisele decided to keep the girls in for tonight. Last year was almost too much for me to handle. But now, I really shouldn’t be so hard on her. I just read the Harper’s Bazaar with her on the cover, and she seems fairly nice and cool. So good for you on that note, Gisele. Onto the dress. I must say, she has nice legs (and a nice body in general), so it’s good she chose a dress that emphasizes that. I rather like this dress. It’s cute and sparkly, but not sparkly to the point where it gets annoying. It has just the right amount of sparkle. Sparkle. Sorry, I just wanted to say sparkle again. Meanwhile, those heels look PAINFUL to walk in, yet they’re REEEEALLLY cute. I must have them. I will have them. Plus, I think her hair and make-up look really pretty here. But Tom Brady is lookin’ a little sick to the stomach.

Jessica Alba

Hmm. On the one hand, I love the dress. On the other, she looks like Heidi. Then on the other hand, I think ‘She’s smart, wearing tights on a cold night out.’ But then on the other, I think ‘Could she have not chosen different shoes.’ Then both my hands challenge each other to a fight, and as they battle to the death, it becomes clear that my pros hand has beaten out the other and won. Cograts, Jessica. You won by a hand.

The Models

An entrance into the thought of a supermodel's mind:

Kirsten McMenamy: I really hope people understand the message I was trying to convey through my clothes.

Ambera Valleta: Look! I can see my toes!

Kirsten M.: I was inspired by the starving children in third world countries, and how they must drink the unsanitary water of the rivers in which animals poop and pee in.

Shalom Harlow: Okay, remind me to kill my stylist.

Kirsten M.: Notice how I intentionally didn't wash my hair to get the same effect the children in Africa have.

Shalom H.: I mean, seriously; did she not get the memo this is to celebrate the Model as a Muse? Not to celebrate Morticia Addams the Hunchback of Hot and Stuffy Dresses?

Stella Tennant: I really hope photographers don't get the impression that I'm with Shalom.

Amber V.: They're so cute when I wiggle them!

Stella T.: I mean, what is she wearing? Did she think it was going to be -130 degrees Celsius tonight? And she is clutching onto my arm. It hurts. I just hope the paparazzi doesn't make anything out of this.

Kirsten M.: Also notice how the configurations of my dress match those of the patterns of the Ndebili tribe in the corner of Africa on the tribal dresses they use to celebrate the harvesting of the Great Pumpkin.

Natalia Vodianova: Somebody please tell the photographers to stop taking pictures so I can stop smiling for a second.

Shalom H.: Did someone just turn up the thermostat in here? Because I swear it just got hotter.

Stella T.: Did Shalom just ask who turned up the thermostat? We're outside...

Kirsten M.: It was made from the womb strings of an unladen water buffalo.

Amber V.: I'm so glad I chose the color Peach Powder Puff!

Nadja Auermann: This is great. I'm the dressed best person here!

Natasha V.: I'm serious. My cheeks hurt.

Nadja A.: Watch me while I pose fabulously.

Amber V.: It really brings out the color of follicles!

Eva Herzigova: This is embarrassing. Being models, we certainly don't look very model-esque.

Kirsten M.: I just hope people don't think I was going for the Bride of Frankenstein, or anything.

Eva H.: I mean, since we're models aren't we supposed to have some sense of how to dress ourselves?

Kirsten M.: Because that would completley ruin the purpose.

Shalom H.: I think I just sweated through my first layer of ruffles.

Stella T.: PLEASE LET ME GO.

Nadja A.: Pose!

Natasha V.: All right, that's it; I'm outta here.

Kirsten M.: Because my ghostly white fried hair and ballistic white dress definitely don't suggest that I'm a vengeful bride coming back from the dead, right? RIGHT?! Because they were made FOR THE STARVING CHILDREN IN AFRICA!

Eva H.: I don't know these people.

Amber V.: They're still wiggling!

(*editor's note -- models from left to right are: Kirsten McMenamy, Amber Valletta, Shalom Harlow, Stella Tennant, Natasha Vodianova, Nadja Auermann, and Eva Herdigoze. In case you didn't know.)

Victoria Beckham

You know what upset me even more than the fact that she’s way too tan (even for an oompa loompa), wearing what would be Betty Boop’s get up if she were a super hero, that her boobs looking extremely cone-like, and her shoes look like they came out of a Dr. Suess book? The fact that she didn’t take David with her. Come on. How could she?
NOT.

Rihanna

GAHHHH!!! Since when has the Met Ball been moved up to today? I wasn’t aware of this, and therefore not prepared! I don’t even have my proper sweatpants on! And I just painted my nails (a clear sparkly color- or lack thereof?) at school and so my fingers feel all icky typing on and clicking clacking on this keyboard. Oh well. May as well get started. Ahem. Introducing, the Met Ball Special, a special night of the year where fashion comes out at its best. And worst. Preferably worst. Starting with: Rihanna.

In what I think may be a modern take on a tuxedo, but am not sure. I mean, there’s modern, and then there’s…alien. Okay, that’s kinda harsh. It’s just…those sleeves. Whooh. I don’t even think the Hulk would be able to fill those shoulder pads up completely. Still, it takes a lotta guts to risk it. I’ll give her brownie points for that. But, my final say is:

NOT.