Blake Lively vs. Kelly Ripa

Two dresses, two events, two lovely ladies (one gorgeously unfairly pretty, the other with biceps to rival Rocky's), one designer. Observe: we have the fair Blake Lively against the chipper and...muscular Kelly Ripa. Designer? Victoria Beckham -- yes, the same one who strides around town in galavanting steps and wears high heels as tall as my abdomen. Apparently, she makes dresses designed to sculpt and curve the body well. Very well. As in, can't-breathe-in-it-without-an-oxygen-mask well. But! they're not too shabby. But enough yammering; onto the good stuff!

Contestant #1:



Um. Blake Lively, can I marry you? No, seriously. This is hotter than a sunny, cloudless day in the middle of the Sahara desert with no water to quench one's parched lips and an impending heat stroke and you're dying and crawling and begging for some liquid to drink but there is none and you die and shrivel up in the scalding sun. Please, have my babies.

Contestant #2:

So, I know it might seem impossible to compare with Blake in this case, but Kelly is doing the best she can. The dress is fine and shiny and purple and not boring. Her hair is glossy. Her skin is nice and glowy. Her biceps are definitely not in the need of improvement. But, unfortunately, I believe this battle was already won as soon as Blake stepped out onto the floor.

Blake Lively

Oh my god.

I think I just heard the hallelujah choir strike up. Blake Lively. You look hot. I mean, you’re just a naturally hot person, but that’s just it. For once, you’re not posing awkwardly, dressed badly, or badly done up in the hair and make-up categories. You look GOOOOOOOD. Honestly, this is the best I’ve seen you in a long time, and this is so good it makes up for ALL the mishaps.
Lively, it’s good to have you back.

Blake Lively

And then came a girl named Serena. While B is off looking kookoo and insane and totally awesome, S is off looking…well, kinda like an old cougar who’s taking her last shot at romance. It’s just too…showy. I’m a little afraid that the skirt is going to ride up or open up while she’s sitting and put the crotch-watch on alert. This is almost Lisa Rinna bad. The boobage, I don’t mind. I think everyone could use some good boobage now and then. Sure wish I could. Moving on. Her hair is also just a little severe. Pull back any tighter, and her roots will be torn out.

Do I think this could've been a GRReeeat look? Yes, I do. If she had lowered the hemline (and my blood pressure), gotten rid of that random sleeve, and loosened the painful-looking hair, I'm sure this would've gotten along just fine. But she didn't. And so it doesn't.

Blake Lively

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO BLAKE LIVELY’S BEAUTIFUL HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? Did she cut it?!?!?!?! SAY IT ISN’T SO! SAY IT ISN’T SOOOO!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?!?!?!??! WHO WILL HAVE THE NUMBER ONE HAIR IN MY BOOK NOW?!!?!?!?!?!? WHAT POSSESSED HER TO DO SUCH A THING TO ME?!?!?! GRAAHHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!!!! I HATE THE WORRRRRRLDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!