Face-off: Diane Kurger vs. Angelina Jolie

Alright, so we have it: the Kruger vs. the Jolie. Observe:


Angelina Jolie in tight leather. Um, isn’t that enough to let her win, hands down? Unfortunately not. Yes, the dress is tight and fitting and leather, but let’s face it, it’s a little dull. On the bright side, her fabulous hair and shoes compensate for it. And she’s Angelina Jolie and she’s awesome. Moving on, into the other corner:

Well, I must say Kruger, I am deeply impressed. And concerned. As supremely awesomely sparkly and texture-y her dress is, that is one backline that worries me. I am almost CERTAIN nothing will be hidden when she sits down or bends over in that dress, as pretty as her back is. But I think I’m willing to overlook that because of how much her dress makes me want to do the disco. Although it does sort of remind me of the sparkly fringe used as padding in Easter egg baskets. But she’s the Kruger, and the Kruger can make ANYTHING work, even Easter egg trimming.

Ladies and gents, I think the battle goes to Kruger.

Katherine Heigl

UGHHHH,

I DON’T NEED ANYMORE SPARKLES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Rachel McAdams

Oh, Rachel:


I believe there are some truly beautiful people in the world (this is all going for looks wise, mind you) and I think Rachel McAdams is one of them. I mean, dude. She's just gorgeous. Hey, silence the disagreement that's about to exit your opening jaw and don't you dare try and contradict me; you know it, and I know it, and so does everyone else who saw The Notebook. She is just too PRETTY. So it really pains me to see her like this.

I mean, I saw the Sherlock Holmes trailer today as I watched Harry Potter for the second time with my sister and I liked it. I think she looks great and pretty in it (I also might add that I think Jude Law looks insanely hot in it). In fact, she usually look great and pretty in general. And I don’t even have a huge problem with this ensemble. No; her shirt -- though a bit lose, I’ll say – is, um, interesting, she can carry off the skinny pants, and her shoes are COVET. But I just get the feeling you didn’t even try. Her hair is a frightly mess. That’s right, I just made up that word. But really. I can’t believe she would do this to not only me, but herself. PLEASE RACHEL MCADAMS -- YOU’RE SO PRETTY. PLEASE, DO US ALL A FAVOR IN THIS WORLD AND JUST SHOW IT OFF. I NEEEEEEEEEED YOUR PRETTINESS!!!

Rosario Dawson

You know what? I’ve decided I don’t care that Rosaio’s dress looks like it was made by a secluded Indian tribe that eats nothing but bison and the elements of the universe somewhere in the mountains of Turkey. Because I just watched Men in Black 2 and remembered what a cutie-pie she is.

Rachel Bilson

Well, this is very entertaining. Don’t get me wrong, I actually find that dress very cute. I’d it wear for say, a first date or something. It has a cute retro quality to it and makes me want to rent The Notebook again and weep over Ali’s and Noah’s passionate relationship and whine over how pretty Rachel McAdams is. Now those shoes however, make me want to rent a war movie, Platoon for instance, and do crunches and push-ups while watching Charlie Sheen bumble his way through the jungle, and enjoy the short, if not miniscule, parts with Johnny Depp. Put these two movies together and what do you get? Well, I get Ali breaking up with Noah and getting together with Charlie Sheen, except then he gets sent off to war but Ali sneaks on a plane to go with him except then she’s put in mortal danger and Willem Dafoe jumps in front of her to save her and is shot to death and does that famous throw-arms-up-in-the-air death scene and Ali realizes Charlie Sheen isn’t her knight in shining armor and it turns out Noah also followed the plane so he could keep watch on her and the two make-up and kiss passionately on the battle field right as a nuclear explosion goes off in the background. Oh yes, I know; how romantic. Obviously, you can see these two movies are not meant to be together, just like this dress and those shoes.

Leighton Meester

WOW, this girl sure can surprise. I didn’t even recognize her at first. I thought for sure it was Katy Perry, but then I realized: since when did Kay Pay have blonde curly hair? Nope, it’s Leighton alright, looking veeeeeery different from Blair Bear. So I know I should be screaming and having a fit of how ugly and crazy and clashing this is and threaten to throw the towel in and kapeto, finite, blah blah blah. Yet somehow (even though she’s wearing the same shoes as Beckham), I can’t help but want to give her snaps for taking this chance. It’s crazy, I know, but I admire her for risking it. I mean really, there aren’t that many people who would try (and the people who would look crazy all the time, unlike Leighton who only looks crazy most of the time). So yes; I like this. Call me crazy, zainy, insane, I’m sticking with it.

Rihanna

GAHHHH!!! Since when has the Met Ball been moved up to today? I wasn’t aware of this, and therefore not prepared! I don’t even have my proper sweatpants on! And I just painted my nails (a clear sparkly color- or lack thereof?) at school and so my fingers feel all icky typing on and clicking clacking on this keyboard. Oh well. May as well get started. Ahem. Introducing, the Met Ball Special, a special night of the year where fashion comes out at its best. And worst. Preferably worst. Starting with: Rihanna.

In what I think may be a modern take on a tuxedo, but am not sure. I mean, there’s modern, and then there’s…alien. Okay, that’s kinda harsh. It’s just…those sleeves. Whooh. I don’t even think the Hulk would be able to fill those shoulder pads up completely. Still, it takes a lotta guts to risk it. I’ll give her brownie points for that. But, my final say is:

NOT.

Anne Hathaway

Don't worry; I'm quite calmed down now. I just needed a few seconds to...release my anger, so to speak. But anyways, moving on. Who? Oh yes, Anne Hathaway:

Yes. Quite a look here, Annie. The dress is pretty. Perhaps the wrong color, considering you’re so beautifully pale next to Mr. Oompa Loompa over here, and there’s not much boundary between where it (the dress) ends and where you start. A lot of meshing colors. So much, that it really just looks like you’re nude (oh no: I seriously accidentally misspelled that as ‘nood.’ I fail.) with many of pink splotches trailing the length of your boday, resulting in you looking as if you've just gotten a very fatal and incurable disease. But, I still think it’s pretty. Ish. And let’s talk hair, shall we? I’ll sum it up, nice and quietly: NO.

Sienna Miller

Well now.

I think I quite like this. Sienna has her shining smile on again (THANK GOD), to die for shoes again, and LOOK AT THOSE SHINING, GLEAMING LEGS. Very nice. As for the dress…I kinda like it. I like it. I do like it. Sure, it looks like there are electric shock waves going across her body or that she’s taking the scale of an earthquake in Japan, but it’s unique and interesting all the same. And so what if she’s wearing sleeves under more sleeves? It was probably cold. Nina, she was in L.A. Shut up, conscious. I’m sure there was a good reason for it. I mean, she’s Sienna Miller. She has a good reason for everything. What about her affair with- shut up!!! SHE’S SIENNA MILLER. LAY OFF.