Megan Fox

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Megan. We were doing so well. And now you have to go and do this?!?! No!!!! This is NOT okay!!! This goes beyond Lisa Rinna crotchiness. This is just bad. Bad, bad , bad, bad, bad. At any second, there could be an updraft of wind and guess what? You’re left defenseless. The paparazzi would not only get a nice shot of your crotch for a good three seconds, but of your buttocks as well because that slit may as well be hovering over your crack. I don’t even care about the fact that your nipples are showing (for now); this slit problem is just too much. You know what? Fine! I try to help you, you’re doing fine, everyone thinks you look hot, and then BOOM! Instant and epic failure. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re happy, because you won’t be receiving MY help anymore! So Megan, I have only one last thing to say to you: Goodbye, and good riddance!

P.S. But of course, if you ever feel like calling me for some advice and beg for forgiveness, I’d be glad to help you. Or if you even if you just want to talk about how you get your legs so fit and nice and give me a few hints.
Now really, goodbye!

Megan Fox

As if it couldn’t get any worse.

Listen to me Meghan, I beg of you; you are gorgeous. You have one of the prettiest faces I’ve ever seen and, even for coming from a woman, a smoking hot body. So why, why why why why why why why why do you go about presenting yourself like this? I actually like this dress very much, ignoring the Lisa Rinna-crotch problem. But just look at yourself in the mirror. No, all that make-up does not look good on you. No, your hair doesn’t look good that big and poufy. No, you most certainly do not want a tattoo sleeve of Marilyn Monroe faces along your arms. I don’t mind sleeves (I personally am not a fan, but I’m not going around with a pick axe commanding people not to do it or else they’ll feel the wrath of my little friend), but please, God please, NOT of Marilyn. That one is already enough. Why can’t you just hire yourself a nice stylist and clean up nice and elegantly? Angelina did it! I’m sure you can!

Sandra Bullock

Something about this oddly reminds me of a drunken Holly Golightly.

It looks to me as if dear Ms. Golightly (or as Mickey Rooney would say, ‘Missus Gowrighwrey!’) found a bar down in Brooklyn, tried her first cosmopolitan, and simply went at it. After, at about, say, four in the morning, Paul Pepard found her on fifth avenue looking up at the Tiffany store, except this time she’d accidentally stepped on the tail of her gown and ripped it and she’d left her nice pearls at home and replaced them with cheap tacky ones from CVS. And yet somehow, through it all, I still manage to find dear Sandra Bullock charming. Go figure.

Blake Lively

And then came a girl named Serena. While B is off looking kookoo and insane and totally awesome, S is off looking…well, kinda like an old cougar who’s taking her last shot at romance. It’s just too…showy. I’m a little afraid that the skirt is going to ride up or open up while she’s sitting and put the crotch-watch on alert. This is almost Lisa Rinna bad. The boobage, I don’t mind. I think everyone could use some good boobage now and then. Sure wish I could. Moving on. Her hair is also just a little severe. Pull back any tighter, and her roots will be torn out.

Do I think this could've been a GRReeeat look? Yes, I do. If she had lowered the hemline (and my blood pressure), gotten rid of that random sleeve, and loosened the painful-looking hair, I'm sure this would've gotten along just fine. But she didn't. And so it doesn't.

Kate Moss

Strike. Fierce. Major. Pose. Lioness. In. Jungle. Rowr. Sexy. Gaze. Into. Camera. Lounge. Coolly. And. Casually. At. Door. Way. Maybe. People. Won’t. Notice. The. Awful. Slit. In. My. Dress. That. Veers. Very. Close. To. My. Crotch. No. They. Probably. Don’t. Because. I’m. Always. FIERCE.