Jennifer Hudson

So I'm a big Jennifer Hudson fan. When she debuted in Dreamgirls, I was going crazy for her and couldn't help but think: "DAAAAAAAAANG." She's talented (that doesn't even begin to describe it), she's big and beautiful, she's a proud mama, and she seems like the type of person I could bump into in the street when I'm having a bad day and she'll be all like "Come here and let mama give you a big hug!"
So, when seeing this:

I'm pained. Really, from knees up she looks FANTASTIC. I mean, this woman just gave birth to a baby and look how GREAT she looks. Her make-up is really nice I think, this dress isn't overly shiny and sparkly (you know I tend to hate over-sparkly), and, of course, you can't deny her lovely ladies are looking extremely nice and perky today. But, then our eyes scan down and find those wretched little boots. Quite frankly, I'm not sure why one would wear thigh high boots with a dress that already covers a lot. Show some leg! Let the men drool a little! Because Jennifer, I hate to say but those boots REEEEALLY make your little legs look like little chicken bones. They are tiiiiiiiny. That's not good. Here, I'll lend you some of my make-believe Louboutins to wear, and you can just repay my giving me another big mama hug.

Victoria Beckham

This just made my day.

Y'see, I love little numbers like this because it means I will be able to use many, many, many tags. Those boots will certainly get a few, as will her tan, hair, make-up, and her dress, of course. In fact, don't even pay attention to the post. Just go straight to the tags.

AHHHHH, STUPID RULES WON'T LET ME HAVE OVER 200 CHARACTERS FOR TAGS. Alright, just know that the orignial length of tags was MUCH longer.

Olivia Palermo

I believe Oliva Palermo must be a big fan of the boarding school she went to:

Because CLEARLY she wouldn’t be wearing a bowtie, peter-pan collar, school stripes, and oxfords for fun. NO ONE wears bowties for fun except Playboy bunnies and Boo Boo Bear. Personally, I think the dress would be fine (ish) if worn WITHOUT the bowtie and was cinched with a belt. And if worn properly with heels. But who knows. Maybe Back-to-School wear is coming back nowadays, and I’m just lethargically dragging behind on trends. My September Issue of Vogue just came a few days ago and I finally have time to read it. Maybe it will ENLIGHTEN me on this trend. Maybe, I will be able to COMPREHEND the inspiration behind this. But honestly, I just CAN’T wrap my head around the fact that someone would WANT to go around looking like an eager young mind.

Ashley Tisdale

Sighhh...

I think L. Lo. may have just found her new best friend. Perhaps they will celebrate by going legging-shopping together.

Beyonce

When I first saw this, I thought it was Fergie. Which is totally to be expected, since this mystery woman has curls and takes a completely nonsensical fashion cue like Fergie. If this were Fergie however, I would find this to be an improvement for her. The jumpsuit, although a jumpsuit, is not completely hopeless, and although those shoes will leave potentially the weirdest sunburn on the face of the planet, they have promise of being totally radically mid-blowingly AWESOME and show off her cute neon pink toe-nail polish. But then I realized, this is Beyonce.

And that just completely ruined it for me.

Sienna Miller

So I’ve finally figured out the secret behind these uber tight jeans that I had no clue anyone could fit into besides starving 90-pound waif models from Russia: they’re leggings. See? They’re just leggings made to look like pants. They stretch and allow all body sizes to fit in them and don’t require the use of butter and Swedish masseurs. Which leads us back to our old argument about leggings as pants. Except, is it okay when said leggings look exactly like pants? I’m actually having a hard to figure this one out. Tell me: do you guys think its okay to wear leggings as pants when said leggings look exactly like pants? Or is it just always non-acceptable?

Sandra Bullock

Alright Sandra, I’ll say it:
I did not go see your movie The Proposal.

Now before you flip a switch and choke me with that long lavaliere of yours, let me explain. I was on my way to the movie theater to see said movie, when a cheap jerk bumped ahead of me in line and made me drop my purse and stole the last ticket. Yeah, I know, it sucks. Yeah, I’m also surprised that it was actually sold out. But you know what I’m also surprised about? This little beauty right here:

Umm. What is this? Did you take a bed sheet, throw it over your shoulders and then belt it so it wouldn’t fall off? I mean, this dress isn’t terrible (it looks comfy at least, right?), but were the color-matching shoes really necessary? Cause it doesn’t seem nessa to me.

Kirsten Dunst

I like this.

From the neck down and crotch up. I think that dress is wickedly cool and belongs in an art show. But those shoes look like something that belongs in Star Trek: The Adventures of Porn Planet and her make-up is looking like Evan Rachel Woods’. That eyeliner is certainly more than Captain Sparrow wears on any day, and that’s even more blush than I’ve ever seen on Sienna Miller. And that’s saying something. Point is, I think I would’ve given this a thumbs up. But then Kirsten had to go ruin it by adding that make-up and those shoes. In situations like this, my sister and I often sing a special song we made up to show our (un)appreciation: way to go _____, way to go! *clap clap*. So in this case it would be:

Way to go kirsten, way to go! *clap clap.*

Victoria Beckham

Ahh, I was beginning to wonder where she’d gotten to. Thankfully, she hasn’t changed. I see her hair is still freakishly short, her boobs are still popping out at abnormal angles with nipples and all, and she's still wearing shoes that are probably as tall as my grandmother. Thank you Beckham, I think that’s all.

Ashley Tisdale

Oh, Ashley.

I don’t know whether to laugh sinisterly or cry manically. Laugh, because of the outrageous and utterly hilarious way you’re dressed, or cry, because you still haven’t yet learned to tame the mane. Why not just cut it all off instead, eh?

Ashley Tisdale

Haha.

I like how Ashley Tisdale is posing for this as if it were an actual photo shoot. But…dude, she has actual wind in her hair. Where did she get the wind from? Does she carry a mini carry-a-fan-for-me-wherever-I-go man with her at all times? Good idea. Must keep that in mind. Meanwhile, I saw that trailer for the new alien movie she’s in. All I can say is this:
Ha. Nice try.

Madonna

Madge. Oh Madge, oh Madge, oh Madge. I could just sing your name from the top of a twenty story building right now. You, my precious, have just made my day. Not only is she wearing boots that I could almost consider pants if they only covered her crotch and extreme cleavage (YESSSS), she’s wearing a crazy stick straight ribbon around her samurai bun. No, not even a ribbon. But it’s not a hat either. I don’t know what it is. Another reason to love you even more, my sweet. You have defied my usually harsh and cynical words of critique. I almost want to bow down to your greatness. Thank you, thank you. It must also be said, though, that I don't find her dress all that bad. In fact, it’s kinda cool, in an Ice-Princess-meets-French-maid type of way. And so,

HOT (for the sake of Madge).

Victoria Beckham

You know what upset me even more than the fact that she’s way too tan (even for an oompa loompa), wearing what would be Betty Boop’s get up if she were a super hero, that her boobs looking extremely cone-like, and her shoes look like they came out of a Dr. Suess book? The fact that she didn’t take David with her. Come on. How could she?
NOT.

Sarah Jessica Parker

You know SJP, I find this mildly offensive:

I don't know what rule book you're following, but shaving off Oscar the Grouch's head and using it as a bib is NOT okay by any means.

Mmmmkay Olsen

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.

Well, the next time I know Mary-Kate is starring as the old cat lady at my local theater, I’ll be sure to get tickets ahead of time.

Fergie

Oi vey, Fergie. This really puts the cherry on top of my afternoon. Not only is she wearing a glamorized sequined potato sack that probably cost $10,000, she’s wearing seriously ugly suede boots that remind me of something out of Foxxxy Mama’s in Crime: The Afro Job.

Nice.

Taylor Swift

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. TAYLOR SWIFT YOU FAIL. FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL. Let’s check off our choices, shall we? 10 year olds, white, innocent, floaty and cutesy dress? Check. Signature wavy and never-changing locks? Check. Cowboy boots that make me want to puke and wish she would stop trying to make them into a trend when she’s failing exponentially and should just give up like any other normal person? Check. Oh lo, but what’s this? We have a new friend joining the gang. Headband, group. Group, headband. So what’s it like cutting off her circulation, resulting in her having more and more frequent headache and tattoo marks? I’m just a little upset that she’d stoop so low as to mimic Mischa Barton. She's better than that. Barely, but just a little.

Sienna Miller

SIENNA, WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY AND STUBBORNLY INSIST ON WEARING ALL THIS MAKE-UP?! It makes me angry. You’re so naturally pretty; why hide it with all this stuff? The dress is nice and form-fitting; not enough to make me rant on and on about it, but not enough to make me hate it. It’s nice and boring and fitting, that’s all. Those shoes look to be about five sizes too big though. What did you do, break your old ones so then you had to stop at a rundown metro station and borrow some from your good friend transsexual Tim? Actually, that sounds very you, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you had done that.

SJP

I’m a shoe-alohic, I won’t deny it. I just love shoes. If I could, I'd have at least 1 billion pairs of Louboutins at home in my closet. And I know SJP does too. Love shoes, I mean. I highly doubt she has 1 billion pairs of Louboutins in her closet. Haha, whew! No one has that much closet space. But anyways, why, in the name of everything good in this world, would someone wear, no less design, shoes like these?


That is a hoof. A hoof. There is a wedge seperating her big toe from her little ones to make her look like a cow. Just let that sink in. A cow. Is it the new fashionable trend to follow the styles of cows and our other hoofed friends? I, for one, refuse to take style notes from farm animals that do nothing but chew on grass all day and sleep and eat and poop. Anyone else with me?