Lady Gaga

Dear Lady Gaga,

Please remember that inappropriate Victoria Secret bras, lace masks, and trash bags are not part of the public-outing clothing domain the next time you are releashed from your cage. Thank you.

Rachel Bilson

I am not sure what went wrong here. I'm also not sure if it could've been saved to start with. Apparently, Big Bird was going to band camp and I didn't know about it.

I feel like this would've been really cute if she'd lost the jacket. Really, that jacket is what's really dragging this whole thing down. It's like, one of those items you get at a thrift store just to say you got it at a thrift store. 'I'm so cool because I bought this [insert very ugly and matronly clothing item here] at a thrift store because I'm just economically and fashion savvy. HA.' No, honey. You only go to a thrift store if you NEED to go there, not to be fashionably correct. This looks like it used to belong an 80 year-old piano teacher her conducts the elementary school band on the side, except they couldn't afford really nice and uniforms and Professor Harold Hill is never there when you need him, and so she had to dig around a dusty old drama closet and came up with this. Of course, I'm all for saving money and buying cheap -- you know, I'm the master of sale items. Go straight to the fifty percent off section every time. Whoo! -- but Rachel Bilson, you don't need to go cheapo. You've got money. Tons of it. You were once on the biggest TV show of the time and live with one of the main stars of the Star Wars merchandise. Live it up. Spend on good, quality pieces; not snafus like this.

Mena Suvari

Oh, Mena:

This is just a helluva lot going on at once. I mean, I could make multiple insults here. I could remark on how much you resemble a vampire who is not worthy of the glamour of True Blood; I could insist you look like that bedraggled and drugged pirate who has no idea what he’s doing in Pirates of the Caribbean and belongs in some Tim Burton movie instead; I could scoff at the fact you’re wearing leggings as a type of pant which they are NOT – but I won’t. Because I think this outfit just says every insult that needs to be said for itself.

Rachel Bilson

Well, this is very entertaining. Don’t get me wrong, I actually find that dress very cute. I’d it wear for say, a first date or something. It has a cute retro quality to it and makes me want to rent The Notebook again and weep over Ali’s and Noah’s passionate relationship and whine over how pretty Rachel McAdams is. Now those shoes however, make me want to rent a war movie, Platoon for instance, and do crunches and push-ups while watching Charlie Sheen bumble his way through the jungle, and enjoy the short, if not miniscule, parts with Johnny Depp. Put these two movies together and what do you get? Well, I get Ali breaking up with Noah and getting together with Charlie Sheen, except then he gets sent off to war but Ali sneaks on a plane to go with him except then she’s put in mortal danger and Willem Dafoe jumps in front of her to save her and is shot to death and does that famous throw-arms-up-in-the-air death scene and Ali realizes Charlie Sheen isn’t her knight in shining armor and it turns out Noah also followed the plane so he could keep watch on her and the two make-up and kiss passionately on the battle field right as a nuclear explosion goes off in the background. Oh yes, I know; how romantic. Obviously, you can see these two movies are not meant to be together, just like this dress and those shoes.

Paris Hilton

Speaking of all things L. Lo related:

So Paris Hilton finally takes on the ‘leggings-as-pants’ trend. Quite frankly, I must say I’m relieved. Surely, this leopard-print matchy-matchy is much better than her other mishaps. That doesn’t necessarily forgive the random zipper on her thigh (or perhaps it’s a straw wrapper? I really can’t tell) or the sequined writing veering very closely to her crotch (I’m making it out to read as ‘DERSEYLE’ although I highly doubt it because I don’t think that holds any meaning whatsoever in this or the next world), but am I glad that she at least looks semi-approachable now? Yes. And so for that, I’m gonna let this one go.

Michelle Trachtenberg

I just don’t get it. How do they do it? How?!

It is just not possible that she got into those pants all on her own! There must be an explanation! Are they painted on? Did she get help from a Swedish massager who buttered her up (not necessarily for the sake of the pants)? I guess I’ll never know. I guess I’ll never know the reasoning behind this outfit either. There are just a lot of different trends going on here. She’s on Gossip Girl overload; so many beautiful clothes, her brain is exploding with the possibilities of all of them and piling them all into one mast beastly outfit that does her no justice. Michelle, you just need to take a break; lose the jacket, it’s not too cold. Lose the purse, pick up a handbag. Lose the painted on pants, find some real ones. See? It’s not all that hard!

Heidi Klum

Now Heidi, I don’t know what this is, but I do know it’s not good:


First rule of clothe: polka dots and stripes? Usually not a good match. Especially when it involves stripes that resemble prison uniform and a polka-dotted shirt with oddly placed cut outs and sleeves that resemble a flying squirrels’. Unless you plan on jumping off a building to tackle the designer from 100 feet above to punish him for designing this for you. Then you’re excused.

Ashley Tisdale

Oh, Ashley.

I don’t know whether to laugh sinisterly or cry manically. Laugh, because of the outrageous and utterly hilarious way you’re dressed, or cry, because you still haven’t yet learned to tame the mane. Why not just cut it all off instead, eh?

Kristen Bell & Katy Perry

Today, we have two cases of ‘Nothing-in-this-outfit-matches-with-other-things-in-this-outfit’ syndrome. I’ll start with the easier to handle:


Kristen Bell. You should be really adorable. And yet you’re not. I just don’t get it. Just…nothing goes together in this. Not your shoes, your belt, your necklace, your candy-striped bag, or your cloudy sky dress. Did your stylist really add all these non-matching accessories to this? I just can’t believe it. Just why why why why WHY.
Next: Katy Perry.

Although, I should hardly be surprised by this. She never matches, it’s just a fact. If you looked Katy Perry up in the dictionary, it’d say ‘un-matchiness’ (right next to ‘kooky’ and ‘neurotic’ of course). But really, this doesn’t even look like she tried. Her dress looks like it’s spewing her innards, she’s wearing librarian tights (as I call them, since those are the tights I find most of the librarians I know wear) and shoes, that although cute, don’t do anything. At least she puts some effort into her other outfits, y’know? At least she tries to be kooky and neurotic and un-matchy. This is just a huge let-down for me.