Christina Agu..eilra?

Huh. I didn’t know Hermione Granger grew up to be a Marilyn Monroe-obsessed sex-pot. That’s interesting.

Ashley Tisdale

Well, Ashley Tisdale. I must say you are a serious contender for our worst hair of the year award! Congratulate yourself! If you win, you’ll receive a year round supply of free shampoo! You know, shampoo? The thing you use to clean your hair?

Mmmmkay Olsen

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.

Well, the next time I know Mary-Kate is starring as the old cat lady at my local theater, I’ll be sure to get tickets ahead of time.

Nicole Richie

Alright Nicole Richie,

I’ll give you that this is a teeny bit better than your last outing. I would be fine with my mom wearing this. I’m still definitely not digging the hair, but nobody’s perfect. Now excuse me as I go shoot myself because I just got the Hannie Montanie song of the same name stuck in my head.

Nicole Richie

Alright Nicole Richie,

I’ll give you that this is a teeny bit better than your last outing. I would be fine with my mom wearing this. I’m still definitely not digging the hair, but nobody’s perfect. Now excuse me as I go shoot myself because I just got the Hannie Montanie song of the same name stuck in my head.

Miley Cyrus

BWAHAHAHAHA. YESSSSSSS. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING! Miley Cyrus is getting choked to death by an unknown species of giant furry caterpillar!!! YESSS. YESSSSSSS!!!!

Kate Bosworth

Hmm.

I’m not sure what to think of this. I know I shouldn’t like it. The combination should be a no-brainer: an unflattering top and skirt that don’t match when paired together, worn with undone hair with roots showing. Yet somehow…it’s not bothering me too much. It’s not that I like it. It’s like, I’m on the border between liking it and not liking it. Part of me is saying: ‘Why the hesitation? That skirt is definitely not flattering.’ But then another part says ‘But it’s no nice and swishy…’ What do you think?

Fergie

Oi vey, Fergie. This really puts the cherry on top of my afternoon. Not only is she wearing a glamorized sequined potato sack that probably cost $10,000, she’s wearing seriously ugly suede boots that remind me of something out of Foxxxy Mama’s in Crime: The Afro Job.

Nice.

Kate Walsh

Oh GOD. I don’t even…arghhh. I can’t…oh boy.

Kate Walsh; either you have one of those messed up mirrors that belong in a carnival, or you’re style is just WHACK.

Mandy Moore

Aw haw. How cute. Mandy Moore shows us her post marriage form.

Which apparently required the use of her shower curtain.

Lauren Conrad

Here’s Lauren Conrad, doing a perfectly cute and sunny beach-going California girl look. Wait, again? Dude, how many times has she pulled this? I’m almost afraid she’s gonna start pooping surfboarders with blonde dreadlocks and incomprehensible lingo soon. She seriously just needs to stop. And find a new look. Preferably one that doesn’t include a dress my mom wore during her rebel stages in the 70’s, paired with her organic espadrilles made of elephant poop and hemp jackets with tons of righteous patches on them and smelled of hookah.

Halle Berry

No.

What did you do to your gorgeous hair? It’s the same color as your skin pigment, an attribute I’m hesitant to say I hate! And your dress thoroughly emphasizes the current place of your boobs. It’s nice you added an arrow to help point them out, since they’re COVERED UP SO MUCH. Harumph. You disappoint me, Halle.

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton, don't even look at me.

No. Don’t. Just stop. I just can’t handle it anymore. You’re like, insisting for all bloggers to call you out every single time you go out. Why? WHY?! I actually like that jacket, and saw it at a department store and almost bought it until I saw the price tag and fainted on the spot. Not only does the scarf ruin it (I think I actually count three different ones; another failed trend she tries to start), but so does the too-distressed jeans and, although quite awesome, misplaced booties. And for the love of god…DON’T wear shirts that carries a flag on it. I HATE those. What if everyone just started wearing different flags every day? Oh hey, there’s Australia. Oh and look! Senegal! Turkey! Czech Republic! Hey, I just realize: does Antarctica have a flag? And finally, I’m sorry, but it must be said: GET A HAIRCUT.

Lauren Conrad

Ahem. Sorry about the feet. My computer's being a jerk. Anywho:

Hey, did you guys hear about how Lauren Conrad is co-starring in a Family Guy episode, playing a genius who has to use extremely long and hardly used words? Does anyone but me notice the irony in that? I skimmed through an interview with her about it, and she said something along the lines of “I have to use a lot of big words for the part. My acting coach (*side note- for Family Guy? Really?) told me that I’d have to learn all the words so I’d really know my character.” Wow. Like I’d really pay for an acting coach to tell me that. I find it hilarious that she agreed to take the part without even noticing the irony behind it. Or, perhaps, she’s actually a super genius but just hides it and pretends to be a complete ditz and really does comprehend the joke-on-her?

Nahhh, probably not.

Nicole Richie

Nicole Richie, if I were your kid I would seriously be scared shitless. I don’t want to be harsh, but seriously. YOU’RE A MOM NOW. You can’t go around dressing like this anymore. In most cases, when celebrity moms have a kid, they switch gears and turn into perfect mommie and never show more skin than some cleavage, and act and dress more mature and overall look like an adult and mom. You look like you’re 16. If I were your kid all grown up and flipping through a photo album of you, I’d think you were my older sister. That’s not to say you can’t ever dress with that hippie-vibe you always have, but really. You have a kid and another’s gonna pop out soon. I’d start looking a little more mom-like.

J. Lo.

My first glance at this led me to believe this was Miley Cyrus. A second glace aimed at her shoes made me think ‘Hmm. Is Miley playing a stripper in her next movie? Is Hannie Montanie going S&M?’ A third glance let me consider that her hair was considerably shorter and her legs noticeably more toned, leading me to think she’s been working out more often. A fourth glance finally made me realize: this is Jennifer Lopez.

Miley Cyrus

Grumble.

Alright, alright; she looks relatively cute here. That dress is really nice and her hair is not a COMPLETE mess and she doesn’t look like she’s trying to be something she’s not. ONE TIME MILEY, THIS IS ONLY ONE TIME OUT OF MANY. SO DON’T GET COCKY

Paris Hilton

Heehee. Teehee. Hehehe.

Do I really even have to say anything?

Katy Perry

OOHOOHOO. I think I just went temporarily blind. Let me just look again…WOWIE. It happened again. That is WAY too much color for one…anything. It looks like she ate too many starbursts for lunch and vomited over her suit killer butterflies and poisonous flowers. No one even RELATIVELY NORMAL would wear this. But then again, since when has Katy Perry been even CLOSE to relatively normal?

Taylor Swift

HAHAHAHHAHAHAH. TAYLOR SWIFT YOU FAIL. FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL. Let’s check off our choices, shall we? 10 year olds, white, innocent, floaty and cutesy dress? Check. Signature wavy and never-changing locks? Check. Cowboy boots that make me want to puke and wish she would stop trying to make them into a trend when she’s failing exponentially and should just give up like any other normal person? Check. Oh lo, but what’s this? We have a new friend joining the gang. Headband, group. Group, headband. So what’s it like cutting off her circulation, resulting in her having more and more frequent headache and tattoo marks? I’m just a little upset that she’d stoop so low as to mimic Mischa Barton. She's better than that. Barely, but just a little.

Michelle Trachtenberg

YAWN.

I think I just fell into my huge puddle of sleeping drool. This is BORING. It’s like I just took some crazy-ass trip to boring land and took some boring pills while being injected with boring needles. Come on, Michelle. You can do better, I’ve seen it.

Sienna Miller

SIENNA, WHY DO YOU CONSTANTLY AND STUBBORNLY INSIST ON WEARING ALL THIS MAKE-UP?! It makes me angry. You’re so naturally pretty; why hide it with all this stuff? The dress is nice and form-fitting; not enough to make me rant on and on about it, but not enough to make me hate it. It’s nice and boring and fitting, that’s all. Those shoes look to be about five sizes too big though. What did you do, break your old ones so then you had to stop at a rundown metro station and borrow some from your good friend transsexual Tim? Actually, that sounds very you, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you had done that.

Taylor Momsen

HOLY SHIT.

Literally on the Holy. Does anyone know where she is? Let’s give a few suggestions, shall we? A.) the mall b.) church c.) hell, for wearing that to church or d.) GO DIE. The correct answers would be: b, c, and d for a few. Yes folks, Taylor Momsen, fifteen years old, is going to CHURCH. DRESSED AS A HOOKER. I've let past ensembles slip past my eye even though she always dresses WAAAAAAAY to old for her age, but this is just going too far. Taylor: YOU’RE GOING TO FREAKING CHURCH. THE PLACE WHERE YOU WORSHIP. THE PLACE YOU PRAY. THE PLACE YOU PAY RESPECTS FOR GOD. WHO’S GOING TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY WEARING THAT?!?!?!

Miley Cyrus

AHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA, YESSSS!!!!!

NOT EVEN MONIQUE LHUILLERE CAN MAKE MILEY CYRUS LOOK GOOD!!!! MWAHAHAHAHHA!!!! THIS JUST MADE MY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victoria Beckham

Oh wow, Victoria.

You just look like a posh and upscale version of the scary vampire mom from Adam’s family. Don’t you see the terror and fear etched on your son’s face? He’s terrified of you! He’s clinging for dear life on his little lambie. At least you look clean and put together though. That certainly can’t be said for the lady behind you.

J. Lo.

What is it about this outfit that makes me feel like J. Lo is screaming “LOOKIE HERE! LOOKIE HERE! I’M STILL YOUNG AND SEXY! I STILL FIT IN TOO TIGHT FOR COMFORT DRESSES THAT MAKE MY FAMOUS BOOTAY LOOK SO BIG IT COULD BE A TABLE FOR COCKTAILS! JUST BECAUSE I HAD BABIES DOESN’T MEAN I’M NOT HOT! I AM! I AM! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Maybe I’m just getting the wrong vibes though.

Emma Roberts

Hmmm. Well- no. I- nehh. Let’s just…maybe not. *sigh*

Emma Roberts, if you’re gonna try to make me speechless, at least try to do it in the way where I’m happy about it, okay? Quite frankly, I don’t even wanna know what’s going on here.

Kate Moss

Strike. Fierce. Major. Pose. Lioness. In. Jungle. Rowr. Sexy. Gaze. Into. Camera. Lounge. Coolly. And. Casually. At. Door. Way. Maybe. People. Won’t. Notice. The. Awful. Slit. In. My. Dress. That. Veers. Very. Close. To. My. Crotch. No. They. Probably. Don’t. Because. I’m. Always. FIERCE.

Miley Cyrus

Um. I’m not even going to comment on the outfit (which isn’t completely bad, only because Alberta Ferreti can do wonders for anyone, even the likes of Hannie Montanie). That hair. It’s just BEYOND awful. It’s too bad for any words I know. So, I went to thesaurus.com for some help: appalling, foul, grisly, grotesque, homely, horrid, loathsome, misshapen, monstrous (my personal favorite), repelling, repugnant, repulsive (good alliteration!), revolting, servile, sickening, sordid, vexatious, vile, and wretched. You get the picture. Thank god almighty for thesauruses.

Anne Hathaway

Don't worry; I'm quite calmed down now. I just needed a few seconds to...release my anger, so to speak. But anyways, moving on. Who? Oh yes, Anne Hathaway:

Yes. Quite a look here, Annie. The dress is pretty. Perhaps the wrong color, considering you’re so beautifully pale next to Mr. Oompa Loompa over here, and there’s not much boundary between where it (the dress) ends and where you start. A lot of meshing colors. So much, that it really just looks like you’re nude (oh no: I seriously accidentally misspelled that as ‘nood.’ I fail.) with many of pink splotches trailing the length of your boday, resulting in you looking as if you've just gotten a very fatal and incurable disease. But, I still think it’s pretty. Ish. And let’s talk hair, shall we? I’ll sum it up, nice and quietly: NO.

Blake Lively

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED TO BLAKE LIVELY’S BEAUTIFUL HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!? Did she cut it?!?!?!?! SAY IT ISN’T SO! SAY IT ISN’T SOOOO!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?!?!?!?!??! WHO WILL HAVE THE NUMBER ONE HAIR IN MY BOOK NOW?!!?!?!?!?!? WHAT POSSESSED HER TO DO SUCH A THING TO ME?!?!?! GRAAHHHHHHHHHH I HATE YOU!!!!! I HATE EVERYONE!!!!! I HATE THE WORRRRRRLDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Taylor Swift

Why is it that whenever Taylor Swift goes out she only seems to wear either summer dresses for five year olds or dresses that are drowned to death in sparkles and glitter and sequins? She just seems incapable of wearing…anything else. And why, oh why, is she trying to have a punk and rock and roll edge when she’s a country singer? OH GOD, you sing songs about boys and praying and first loves and how perfect your love life is, not your angst against the world or how you hate creamy white carrot cakes and unicorns and how the world is such a cruel, dark, sinister place. Live up to your role Taylor. Don’t be playin’ somebody else’s.

Sienna Miller

Well now.

I think I quite like this. Sienna has her shining smile on again (THANK GOD), to die for shoes again, and LOOK AT THOSE SHINING, GLEAMING LEGS. Very nice. As for the dress…I kinda like it. I like it. I do like it. Sure, it looks like there are electric shock waves going across her body or that she’s taking the scale of an earthquake in Japan, but it’s unique and interesting all the same. And so what if she’s wearing sleeves under more sleeves? It was probably cold. Nina, she was in L.A. Shut up, conscious. I’m sure there was a good reason for it. I mean, she’s Sienna Miller. She has a good reason for everything. What about her affair with- shut up!!! SHE’S SIENNA MILLER. LAY OFF.

Stella McCartney

OH MY CRACKERS I LOVE YOU AND I COVET THOSE SHOES AND I KNOW I’VE SAID I’D KILL FOR SHOES BEFORE BUT I THINK I’D EVEN MURDER BABIES FOR THESE SHOES THEY’RE JUST SO AMAZINGLY AWESOME AND COOL AND ROCKER CHIC AND I JUST REALIZED HOW BAD IT SOUNDED WHEN I SAID I’D MURDER AND EAT BABIES FOR THESE SHOES, ACTUALLY I DIDN’T SAY I’D EAT THEM WHICH IS ALSO A GROSS CONCEPT EW I’M GETTING A VISIAL IMAGE NOW…

Rumer Willis

Rumer, let's do a quick logic problem, shall we?

This dress would be okay if your boobs were being perky and happy. They’re not. Therefore, deductive reasoning would leave us to decide that this dress is, in fact, NOT a good choice for you. Wonderful, you make quite a good pupil. Now run along home and tell mummy and not-much-older-than-you daddy what you’ve learned.

Taylor Momsen

OH MY GOD TAYLOR MOMSEN.

I think I just puked a little. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE do us all a favor and: a.) get a haircut (an entirely different, brand new one) and b.) stop thinking that you’re cool enough to get away with rock n’ roll hipster choices like these. YOU’RE NOT. YOU’RE FOURTEEN. MY AGE. I STILL WEAR CUTE LITTLE AMERICAN EAGLE AND MACY’S. STOP DRESSING LIKE A WHORISH FORTY YEAR OLD.

*On a Side Note: Yes, I now realize that I spelled Michelle Tratchenberg's name wrong and completely hacked it up. Unfortunately for me, that name is now embedded as a lable/tag, so I won't be able to change it. UGH, stupid me.*

Michelle Trachenburg (...did I spell that right?)

Dude.

Can we even qualify this as a dress? It’s like, the tank top I wear for going to the gym. Except with a lot more sparkles on it. Probably costs a lot more too. Come to think of it, that shirt probably costs more than my entire wardrobe. But really, why is it that celebs find it okay to leave their house in hoochie skirts and claim their tights pass of a pants? Let’s get it straight: pants do not equal tights, and tights do not equal pants. Understood?

Megan Fox

Oh god.

Her hair really is getting bigger and bigger. Do I spy a new Winehouse in the making? Maybe she’ll start singing songs too. But instead of crooning ‘Rehab’, we’ll hear:
They tried to make me go to high school I say NO NO NO!
Yes, I’m not smart, my hair’s from Wal-Mart
NO NO NO
I ain’t got the time
And I’m obviously still very hot and sexy and stunning and gorgeous and beautiful and fine
They try to make me go to high school I say NO NO NO

Vanessa Hudgens

What the…ughhhh, what is it with these weird lace-up things that stars always think are cool and hip and okay to wear when they aren’t?!?! It’s like, someone decided one day: “Hey. I’m going to make a really weird and ugly way to tie up someone’s dress, and see how many celebrities go along with it.” Who needs zippers? Because CLEARLY when you have lace-ups that look like a spider-web in the making stamped across your chest, that’s just as suitable as using a zipper.

Miley Yuck-us

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Miley. Dear, dear, dear Miley. You don’t know how happy you’re making me right now. How so, you ask? No, no, it’s not because you look stunning darling. Oh no. It’s quite the opposite. It’s how BAD you look here that’s making me grin foolishly. Let me start with your hair: I’m Mclovin’ the extensions here. So natural looking. And are those blonde highlights with dark brown hair or, as I call it, skunk hair? Oh, good choice, very good choice. And I’m loving that there’s one stray strand of straight hair against a sea of waves. Now, the face: I see you’ve gotten a tan. Whether it’s real or not, I don’t know; but I’m just so glad you chose to go with the tanner the better. Who needs pale? No one looks good in it. Not Anne Hathaway, Evan Rachel Wood, Scar Jo, Keira Knightley, Rachel Weisz…nope, no one. And you’re eyebrows…is it just me, or am I spying some darker colors there, heh? So good, so good. They have to match the hair after all, even if they slightly resemble Groucho Marx. But who doesn’t love Groucho? Last time I checked, he was a winner in my book! I’m going to skip over your make-up for now –who cares if it looks like you’re 30? That’s the new look, isn’t it; 16 going on 47?- and go straight to your dress. Can I sum it up in four words?: Heaven with Carmen Miranda. Don’t forget the fruit next time though!

Kim Kardashian

You know, I was originally going to say this wasn’t an all terrible piece even though the girls are definitely out on the town and it looks like she just won a wrestling match and is wearing the victorious belt trophy, but look closer. Particularly between the crotch area. Is that a…crease? Between her legs? Could it…no…it couldn’t be…but…is it? It is! A JUMPSUIT. Don’t let it fool you; it’s carefully camouflaged into its environment, almost passing off as a dress. But it can’t hide from professional eyes. The only other thing to do now is to quickly grab my ugly jumpsuit net and catch it fast before it runs off into the wilderness.

Megan Fox

Okay, if there’s one person who really annoys me in Hollywood, it’s Megan Fox. I don’t understand how men can find her so attractive. Look at her! SHE’S SO TRASHY. If someone glanced at this picture, they’d think it was the lovechild of Amy Winehouse and Cher. HER FACE LOOKS LIKE IT WAS DONE BY A LONELY CLOWN. And her ridiculous obsession with Marilyn Monroe is getting on my nerves. That tattoo is glaring at me and mocking me, daring me to jump into that photo and rip it off and throw it down the gutter. You better watch it Marilyn. You better watch it.

Nicole Richie

You know how I was talking about cute, punk, polished ballerinas? This is how not to do that.

Kate Mara

Dude…this is cute. I mean, really cute. She looks like a polished reformed ballerina. It’s…it’s quite cool. But she’s got like, a tiny punk twist in it, with the black nails, bag and shoes. But it’s like, a polished punk ballerina. If that even makes sense. Plus, SHE’S GOT RED HAIR. I think that’s enough to make this a winner.

SJP

I’m a shoe-alohic, I won’t deny it. I just love shoes. If I could, I'd have at least 1 billion pairs of Louboutins at home in my closet. And I know SJP does too. Love shoes, I mean. I highly doubt she has 1 billion pairs of Louboutins in her closet. Haha, whew! No one has that much closet space. But anyways, why, in the name of everything good in this world, would someone wear, no less design, shoes like these?


That is a hoof. A hoof. There is a wedge seperating her big toe from her little ones to make her look like a cow. Just let that sink in. A cow. Is it the new fashionable trend to follow the styles of cows and our other hoofed friends? I, for one, refuse to take style notes from farm animals that do nothing but chew on grass all day and sleep and eat and poop. Anyone else with me?

Victoria *space alien* Beckham

…can I just tell the world how extremely appreciative I am of Victoria Beckham? Because without her, I think our lives would all be seriously boring.

Taylor Swifty

Oh my.


It’s like every time I see her, I want to head butt the wall until my brain cells are completely gone. SHE’S WEARING A TEN YEAR OLD’S DRESS. Oh wait, she always does that. But aha! She’s also planning for everyone else to dress that way too. Why, you may ask? Well, zippedee-doo-da partner, here's your answer: she’s designing a special series of sundresses at Mudd for kids, to be sold at retailers and department stores world-wide! Well, what a splendid idea, Swifty! Because who wouldn't want to look like a a ten-year old all the time? Now, apparently, she's wearing one of them. Yeah, Taylor. Being your own endorsement deal? How original and clever.

Coco Rocha

I’ve never been so happy to see a redhead go back to her roots. Don’t you just love redheads? I’m actually so jealous of them. I couldn’t tell you how many times when I was little I’d snuggle up under the covers of my bed and wish silently for red hair the next morning. They’re just…well, I think they’re incredibly gorgeous. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I know a single ugly redhead. It’s almost like, impossible. Like, an oxymoron. You just can’t look bad if you’re a redhead. Oops. Back to Coco Rocha: by itself, it’s fine. But with the red hair...oh yeah.

Jessica Biel

Oh god.

Jessica Biel, you’ve got looks. You’ve got curves. Why do you do this to me? Do you enjoy me being tortured by young, pretty women who just can’t seem to dress themselves properly? It looks like your boob is vomiting Kleenex. You have no feet. Your hair is a mess. Come to my house, watch some What Not To Wear with me, and let me help you.

Hannie Montanie

EWWW. Everyone knows how I feel about Miley Cyrus. If you’re new and don’t, then I’ll give you a brief outline: AFA&YGF%^*OUOJU^$#$%$YTHJKL+__)IOTE#$SDRTUU+_______.

Understand? So the fact that she not only goes to the Oscars, a night to celebrate the best and most talented of Hollywood which she certainly doesn’t fit under, once, but TWICE, and shows up in THIS ATROCITY makes me even more furious. This isn’t a gala celebrating best pastry chefs of America. IT’S THE OSCARS. GO MAKE YOURSELF WORTHY OF ATTENDING IT AND FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO WEAR.