Lauren Conrad

Wait…haven’t we seen this before?

Whoa. What is this LC? I just don’t get it. I’ve never liked you very much (I’m just putting it frankly), but really, what happened to those days at Teen Vogue? I mean, at least there you dressed nicely. You just look…nehhh. Your hair is in dire need of both a dye touch-up and BIG TIME trim, as well as your dress. Yeah, especially your dress that you probably have in twenty-something colors. I bet if Yao Ming lifted you up five feet off the ground, your skirt would still be dragging. See that purple stuff on the bottom? That’s from dragging it behind in the Grapefruit soda spill. Do us a favor; HEM IT.

Kate Walsh

Oh GOD. I don’t even…arghhh. I can’t…oh boy.

Kate Walsh; either you have one of those messed up mirrors that belong in a carnival, or you’re style is just WHACK.

Mandy Moore

Aw haw. How cute. Mandy Moore shows us her post marriage form.

Which apparently required the use of her shower curtain.

Lauren Conrad

Ahem. Sorry about the feet. My computer's being a jerk. Anywho:

Hey, did you guys hear about how Lauren Conrad is co-starring in a Family Guy episode, playing a genius who has to use extremely long and hardly used words? Does anyone but me notice the irony in that? I skimmed through an interview with her about it, and she said something along the lines of “I have to use a lot of big words for the part. My acting coach (*side note- for Family Guy? Really?) told me that I’d have to learn all the words so I’d really know my character.” Wow. Like I’d really pay for an acting coach to tell me that. I find it hilarious that she agreed to take the part without even noticing the irony behind it. Or, perhaps, she’s actually a super genius but just hides it and pretends to be a complete ditz and really does comprehend the joke-on-her?

Nahhh, probably not.

Kim Kardashian

You know, I was originally going to say this wasn’t an all terrible piece even though the girls are definitely out on the town and it looks like she just won a wrestling match and is wearing the victorious belt trophy, but look closer. Particularly between the crotch area. Is that a…crease? Between her legs? Could it…no…it couldn’t be…but…is it? It is! A JUMPSUIT. Don’t let it fool you; it’s carefully camouflaged into its environment, almost passing off as a dress. But it can’t hide from professional eyes. The only other thing to do now is to quickly grab my ugly jumpsuit net and catch it fast before it runs off into the wilderness.

Jessica Biel

Oh god.

Jessica Biel, you’ve got looks. You’ve got curves. Why do you do this to me? Do you enjoy me being tortured by young, pretty women who just can’t seem to dress themselves properly? It looks like your boob is vomiting Kleenex. You have no feet. Your hair is a mess. Come to my house, watch some What Not To Wear with me, and let me help you.