Megan Fox

Alright, so let's not try to deny it:

Megan Fox is looking pretty foxy here. That dress is actually not too bad (almost...cute???) and she looks nice. But really, how can anyone focus on Megan outside of Jennifer's Body? You can ONLY talk about Megan in that movie now, no one talks about her REAL life anymore. I can't tell you how many of my friends (all guys) are super-duper excited to see this movie. Wanna know why? Only for two reasons:

Megan Fox cannibalism and lesbian kiss.

Really, you can't blame them It's pretty much impossible to not like Megan Fox if you're of the male species. It's like, in their BLOOD to find Megan Fox the hottest babe ever to roam the galaxy. So, Megan, I will give you this -- yes, you look good here; but don't be expecting to impress many guys with it; they're all too busy watching the Jennifer's Body trailer for the 1,678th time.

Olsen Twins

I am...actually relatively impressed by this.

Sure, hair roots are showing, Ashley's wearing a moth-eaten sweater, and Mary-Kate's wearing a vampire's kimono; but look on the bright side of things: Mary-Kate doesn't look like a zombie with make-up done by Marilyn Manson, both are in things I could actually comprehend myself wearing, Ashley has reeeeally nice legs, and both have STELLAR AMAZING SPECTACULAR shoes. Especially MK. I would eat banana peels with slices of moldy blue cheese smothered in rotten nutella for them. I know, I'm so gross. But for those shoes? Oh yeah.

All in all, I believe we should be thankful they're not coming out in witch costumes or bunny ears or trash bags or something. They look normal (for the most part). And for that, I approve.

*Editor's Note*: Believe it or not, a little while after this outing Ashley and Mary-Kate actually DID wear bunny ears to an event. Ha! am I psychic or what?

Gwyneth Paltrow

“Hi. My name is Gwyneth Paltrow, and I’m an actress. You may have seen me in my Oscar winning performance in Shakespeare in Love. And now, because I’m all rich and famous and I have a sweet husband and I can give my kids weird-ass names and I have my very own blog and I’m rich and famous, I’m allowing myself to wear dresses that are crazy-tastic and bizarre and unflattering because I CAN. Yep, just like Obama can, yes I can. I’ve got smudges on my boobs and a slash on my shoulder, but who cares. I’m rich and famous and I named my daughter Apple. GO ME.”

Kate Walsh

So I’ve literally just spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to write about this. I’ve been staring at this screen, slowly destroying my retinas, wondering what in this whole wide world I could say about this. Truth is, I still don’t really know. Typically, everything about this should point to me stamping this with a big fat ‘YES.’ And yet, I can’t help but think something is off about this. But I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. Quite honestly, I’m also very distracted by the logo for this movie and how the heart on the guy is…well, you know. Down there. Just…help me out on why I might/might not like this?

Megan Fox

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, Megan. We were doing so well. And now you have to go and do this?!?! No!!!! This is NOT okay!!! This goes beyond Lisa Rinna crotchiness. This is just bad. Bad, bad , bad, bad, bad. At any second, there could be an updraft of wind and guess what? You’re left defenseless. The paparazzi would not only get a nice shot of your crotch for a good three seconds, but of your buttocks as well because that slit may as well be hovering over your crack. I don’t even care about the fact that your nipples are showing (for now); this slit problem is just too much. You know what? Fine! I try to help you, you’re doing fine, everyone thinks you look hot, and then BOOM! Instant and epic failure. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re happy, because you won’t be receiving MY help anymore! So Megan, I have only one last thing to say to you: Goodbye, and good riddance!

P.S. But of course, if you ever feel like calling me for some advice and beg for forgiveness, I’d be glad to help you. Or if you even if you just want to talk about how you get your legs so fit and nice and give me a few hints.
Now really, goodbye!

Rihanna

Because everyone feels like going apeshit sometimes.