Julianne Moore

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!!!

JULIANNEJULIANNEJULIANNEJULIANNEJULIANNEMOOOOOOORE.

Excuse me, I must rejoice for this. She's talented, she's gorgeous, she's a redhead, and she looks reeeeeeeeeeeeally nice here and I love her so so so much and I wish she would just be in every single movie I watch so I could actually bear and tolerate movies like Transformers 2: Revenge of Stupidity and I wish she would finally win a DAMN OSCAR and I loooooooooooooooooooove her.

If I were Shiva I would have four thumbs up, but alas I only have two.

Blake Lively vs. Kelly Ripa

Two dresses, two events, two lovely ladies (one gorgeously unfairly pretty, the other with biceps to rival Rocky's), one designer. Observe: we have the fair Blake Lively against the chipper and...muscular Kelly Ripa. Designer? Victoria Beckham -- yes, the same one who strides around town in galavanting steps and wears high heels as tall as my abdomen. Apparently, she makes dresses designed to sculpt and curve the body well. Very well. As in, can't-breathe-in-it-without-an-oxygen-mask well. But! they're not too shabby. But enough yammering; onto the good stuff!

Contestant #1:



Um. Blake Lively, can I marry you? No, seriously. This is hotter than a sunny, cloudless day in the middle of the Sahara desert with no water to quench one's parched lips and an impending heat stroke and you're dying and crawling and begging for some liquid to drink but there is none and you die and shrivel up in the scalding sun. Please, have my babies.

Contestant #2:

So, I know it might seem impossible to compare with Blake in this case, but Kelly is doing the best she can. The dress is fine and shiny and purple and not boring. Her hair is glossy. Her skin is nice and glowy. Her biceps are definitely not in the need of improvement. But, unfortunately, I believe this battle was already won as soon as Blake stepped out onto the floor.

Tori Spelling

I am…hesitant about this:

It makes me think Oh yes, Tori finally dresses her age! But then at the same time I’m thinking Oh no, Tori finally dresses her age. For although she’s covering up everything today, this is…a bit too matronly. I feel as if I’ve taken a time warp back to the roaring 20’s, or at least trip to my local community theater’s Chicago. Is she going to start swinging her pearl lavaliere all seductively, then just trick me and choke me while screaming that I was a back-stabbing whore of a bitch who cheated with her husband? Or will she pull me up on the dance floor and show me how to do the tipsy Charleston after a few glasses? I really wish it were the second one, but that soap show may have really affected her…

Emma Watson

See, this is what awkward teenagers in the biz should be wearing nowadays. Yes, I realize Emma is nowhere near being anything remotely awkward and she’s almost not a teen anymore, but this is the perfect example of cuteness. She just looks so cute here, as all reigning Disney princesses should. Her hair is not five inches away from her head but still neatly styled, her dress is nice and girly and cute without being too revealing or too mature, her bag adds a hint of playfulness, and altogether this doesn’t make me want to pull my hair out with desperation and instead makes me want to grovel at her feet and throw rose petals before her. If Miley and Demi and Selena and Dakota could all take note, I think we’d all be in much better shape.

Megan Fox

As if it couldn’t get any worse.

Listen to me Meghan, I beg of you; you are gorgeous. You have one of the prettiest faces I’ve ever seen and, even for coming from a woman, a smoking hot body. So why, why why why why why why why why do you go about presenting yourself like this? I actually like this dress very much, ignoring the Lisa Rinna-crotch problem. But just look at yourself in the mirror. No, all that make-up does not look good on you. No, your hair doesn’t look good that big and poufy. No, you most certainly do not want a tattoo sleeve of Marilyn Monroe faces along your arms. I don’t mind sleeves (I personally am not a fan, but I’m not going around with a pick axe commanding people not to do it or else they’ll feel the wrath of my little friend), but please, God please, NOT of Marilyn. That one is already enough. Why can’t you just hire yourself a nice stylist and clean up nice and elegantly? Angelina did it! I’m sure you can!